Sometimes I love the insights God shows me. But other times? Not so much.
Turns out, I’m really selfish.
On the outside, maybe it doesn’t look that way. Sometimes friends express wonder about how I have the time to do all the things I do, and they certainly don’t think they have it in them to adopt a teenager, for goodness’ sake!
To hear them tell it, I’m pretty awesome. 
But… it’s God who sees my heart, and it’s God who has shown me my selfish nature.
For a while, I didn’t recognize this selfish nature. I spent years sinning some BIG sins; God has worked in me over the years, and I am truly not the person I once was. He has brought me such a long way, and I praise Him for that. But because of that, I often overlook the “small” sins.
But at the heart of those little things is the same selfishness that once caused me to sin those big sins.
Parenting can be exhausting, and my children don’t like every decision I make. There are many un-appreciated moments in my life as a mom, and quite frankly, I don’t like those moments. It’s more fun when people like me.
That un-appreciated stuff often carries over to homemaking, too. My family has never once applauded me for cleaning a toilet. (To be fair, they do often thank me for a good meal.) Often I end up doing many chores myself rather than hear the complaining that would come if I asked my children to do it. That’s just my selfishness, too: I’m called to train my children well even if I don’t like to hear the grumbling it may bring at first.
There are so many things I could list here that all boil down to selfishness.
I don’t always say the encouraging words I know I should say to my husband or my kids, simply because I’m still annoyed about something that happened earlier in the day, and I’m holding a silent grudge about it. Selfishness.
If you’ve read this post and this one on my blog, you know that my husband and I have recently made the decision to enlarge our family. Saying “yes” to God is really scary. What if He does give us the kids we’re praying for? Can I handle it? Will I even have time to sleep, much less blog? How will I manage to do all the things that need to be done — like grocery shopping and house cleaning — with more children to care for? I know plenty of people do it every day, but I’ve never done it! I was raised as an only child, so what in the world do I know about big families?
I nearly gave myself a panic attack about all this more-kids stuff one night recently.
Then again, what if He chooses not to give us the kids we’re praying for? Will I be okay with that?
“All God’s plans have the mark of the cross on them
and all His plans have death to self in them.” EM Bounds
Turns out, it’s not all about me.
In fact, it’s not at all about me.
God is God, and I am not.
He is Lord of all of my life.
Dying to self is not something we do just once, when we first decide to follow Christ. I’ve heard it said that choosing to pick up our cross and follow Christ is a decision we must make anew each and every day.
As for me, I’m going to have start doing it…
moment
by
moment.
Jamie is a wife, homemaker, and homeschooling mama in a blended family that includes three kids: one by birth, one by marriage, and one through adoption. Her thoughts are always more coherent with a steaming cup of tea in hand, and she knows she can accomplish nothing worthwhile apart from the treasure of Christ within (2 Corinthians 4:7).
