I do not teach my daughter to apologize for sinful behavior.
I’ll give you a second to start breathing again… And, then I’ll explain.
Nowhere in Scripture does it say that we are supposed to apologize for our sin. Nowhere in the Bible are we commanded to say “I’m sorry.”
And, yet, many of us have come to equate an “apology,” or an “I’m sorry,” with the biblical paradigm of confession, repentance, forgiveness, and true reconciliation.
I did. I grew up thinking they were one and the same.
I was married before I began to understand the difference between simply saying “I’m sorry,” and truly confessing, repenting, and seeking forgiveness for my sin(s) against another person.
As parents – as mothers – do we know what we are really saying when we instruct our children to “apologize” for their actions?
To apologize is:
to offer an apology or excuse for some fault, insult, failure, or injury; to make a formal defense in speech or writing
Of course, to fully understand what it means to “apologize” we must understand what it means “to offer an apology”:
“a written or spoken expression of one’s regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another; a defense, excuse, or justification in speech or writing, as for a cause or doctrine.”
The word apology comes from the Greek word apologia, meaning “a speech in defense.” This is where we get the word “apologetics,” which is the branch of theology concerned with defending the Christian faith.
When one apologizes for a wrong done, yes, they may recognize some fault or failing on their part. But a true “apology” is a defense. And, it usually includes the word but. “I’m sorry, but…” “I feel bad about what happened, but…”
All an apology does is dump one person’s bad feelings about an event on to the other person. While, at the same time, also explaining to the injured party why the offender was not really at fault.
It does nothing to truly resolve, or reconcile relationships that have been broken by sin.
Please do not misunderstand me. There is nothing wrong with feeling bad about sin. There is nothing wrong with saying “I’m sorry.” I want my daughter to be sorrowful over her sins. But, I don’t want it to end there.
Remorse and sorrow over sin is a good thing…when it leads to repentance.
“For even if I made you grieve with my letter, I do not regret it—though I did regret it, for I see that that letter grieved you, though only for a while. As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.” ~2 Corinthians 7:8-10 (ESV)
But, Scripture does not call us to merely “feel bad” about our sin. And, it certainly does not call us to defend it.
“If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.” ~2 Chronicles 7:14 (ESV)
No, we are called to humble ourselves. To confess (James 5:16, 1 John 1:9). To repent (Romans 2:4). To seek forgiveness (Matthew 6:14-15, Luke 17:3-4).
This is the biblical model.
This is what leads to the restoration and reconciliation of relationships broken by sin (Matthew 18:15).
This is what we should be teaching, and modeling for our children.
