“Mommy! Grace got a cookie!” My three-year-old, Emma, announced with chubby arms crossed and indignant lips pursed. “It was really big. You want me to go get her for you?”
Fighting the urge to be amused, I scooped Emma up and headed for the bathroom mirror. There I showed my sweet little tattle-tale her own reflection and the chocolate liberally smeared across her guilty face.
Emma’s eyes widened as she saw her sin exposed. She immediately burst into tears and cried, “Oh Mommy, Grace didn’t mean to do it!” Suddenly, my young daughter was very concerned over how much mercy her sister would receive for her transgression! It’s funny how merciful we become when we realize our own sinfulness and how deserving we are of the same punishment we’ve been hoping for someone else!
Unknown to Emma, Grace had permission to eat the cookie. Emma did not have all the facts. If she would have confronted Grace first, she would have discovered the truth and avoided falling into her own trap. Also, the cookie was not “really big” it was the same size as the others. As is typical with a tattler, Emma was exaggerating, wanting the sin to appear bigger than it actually was.
Our children are given to us to train up in the way they should go. As parents, we must remember that our day to day family life is training ground (practice) for the future. God willing, our children will one day function in their own families, workplaces, and churches. Left unchecked, the sins we see in them today, will be the sins we see in them as adults—only the sins, along with our children, will have “grown up.”
The child who is allowed to enjoy tattling now, will one day be the adult who has developed a habit and taste for gossip—both by spreading it himself and by allowing the “tasty morsels” to enter his own ears—and soul. (Proverbs 11:9, 18:8)
The heart of gossip
We can help our children to examine their hidden motives for tattling. There is always a motive behind sin and it almost always boils down to some form of pride.
Envy: There may be an element of envy involved and the fact that the “sinner” has apparently been caught gives the tattler some sort of bitter satisfaction. One who spreads or listens to gossip is taking sinful delight in the transgressions of another. Many times it may even appear irrelevant whether or not the morsel of gossip is true or proven. Somehow, it makes us feel better about ourselves to learn that someone else slipped up; and the gossip can seem especially delicious if we are secretly envious of that person.
A child who rarely violates the rules may be a “great catch” to those children who seem to always get caught in sin themselves. Children must be taught early that it is wicked to delight in the sins of others and to spread potentially slanderous information; they must remember they will someday give account for every idle word. (Matthew 12:36)
Arrogance: Another motive may be a simple matter of putting someone down in order to make the gossiper look better—arrogant pride. One day one of my children had been disciplined for an offense and her sibling boasted, “Mother, I would never do what so-and-so did.” Instead of receiving the expected praise from me, I said, “Well, at least she’s humble and repentant and not prideful and deceived.” Children should be encouraged to consider their own propensity to sin when the sin of another is exposed. Never allow them the deceptive thrill of feeling better than someone else.
“Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, ‘God, I thank You that I am not like other men—extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I possess.’
“And the tax collector, standing afar off, would not so much as raise his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me a sinner!’
“I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”” (Luke 18:9-14)
Notice in 1 Peter that being a busybody in other men’s matters is put alongside being a murderer and a thief.
But let none of you suffer as a murderer, or as a thief, or as an evildoer, or as a busybody in other men’s matters. 1 Peter 4:15
Teach your children to avoid those who gossip as much as they would avoid a murderer and a thief. Too many times the gossiper has an audience because there are others who want to feel less guilty of their own sin. “If she did THAT, then maybe I’m not so bad after all.” Teach your children the danger of associating with those who tattle and gossip. Proverbs 20:19
Egotism: Many times the gossiper simply enjoys being the center of attention and relishes the status of being the one “in the know.” These types of gossipers like to dig up information and make it their business to “inform” others.” Seldom do they consider their own sinfulness. (Matthew 7:3-5) One who spreads gossip this way usually acts as the judge, jury, and executioner all rolled into one!
An ungodly man digs up evil, and it is on his lips like a burning fire. Proverbs 16:27
This is especially dangerous today with the ease of the Internet. There is no longer a need to physically go from house to house. (1Timothy 5:13) I can gossip comfortably from my own kitchen table. Chat rooms, blogs, email lists, and websites (even those labeled as Christian) can be hotbeds of gossip and slander.
While dinner burns, my children careen out of control, laundry piles up, and reputations are destroyed, my keyboard can smoke! You too can become an expert Internet busybody!
For we hear that there are some which walk among you disorderly, working not at all, but are busybodies…
2 Thessalonians 3:11
Teach Your Children to be Fire Fighters!
Where no? wood is, there the fire goeth out: so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth. Proverbs 26:20
Start a contained fire and slowly remove the “fuel” demonstrating to your child how a fire goes out if it is not continuously fed. Also point out how consuming and destructive a fire is. What is left of the wood that was burned? Does it look the same? Can it ever be restored? Show how Scripture compares the tongue to a raging fire. (James 3:5-12)
Biblical Confrontation or Revenge? When dealing with children who have offended one another, try to remember that this is training (practice) for the future. How will they handle disagreements and offenses with those in their lives as adults? Will they complain to others without confronting their brother? They must learn to work things out according to Matthew 18 or they will be prone to bitterness, slander, and gossip.
The New Testament approach to confronting sin and orderly church discipline is found in the Gospel of Matthew, Chapter 18:
Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. Matthew 18:15-17
Gossip ignores the peace-seeking order of Matthew 18 and jumps straight to “tell it to the church.” As parents we should point to the order of Matthew 18 to teach our children how to work out fellowship with one another. Doorposts has created a helpful resource for parents in teaching this concept. It is a chart and book set called the Brother-Offended Checklist.
Search me, Oh God!
Teach your children to consider their own sin before confronting sin in another. (Matthew 7:3-5) They must also understand that our hearts are desperately wicked, (Jeremiah 17:9, 10) therefore, we can easily deceive ourselves. Teach them to ask God to search their hearts and reveal to them hidden sins, giving them the ability to repent and properly confront their brother. (Psalm 139:23, 24; 51:10)
Point out that God does not instruct us to simply notice our own plank, but, instead to remove it. Likewise, he does not allow us to leave the speck in our brother’s eye, but to make sure we can see clearly first, before attempting to remove it.
In young children, a confrontation of this sort may need the oversight of a parent. Gently guide them in their confrontation without taking over the situation. The goal is to teach them to handle things biblically without immediately involving others.
Our children must also realize that their unrepentant sin might hinder their credibility in the confrontation. If my little daughter would have confronted her sister of her cookie-stealing, how effective would her reproof have been? One look at Emma’s chocolate smeared mouth and her sister would have burst into laughter, “Who are you to tell me what I should be doing?” Or better yet, maybe she would have heard her mother’s voice saying, “First remove the chocolate from your own face, and you’ll be better able to remove it from your sister’s!
Growing Peace Makers
When a child tattles, resist the temptation to listen. Ask your child the following questions:
1. Is any person or property in danger of being harmed? (Explain to your child the difference between tattling, gossiping, and informing you of an imminent disaster!)
2. Does this matter have anything to do with you? If he reported to you a matter that is none of his business, confront him with the sin of gossip.
3. Have you examined your own heart and sin in the matter? This may be difficult if he is angry or emotional. You may need to require him to take five minutes of quiet time to pray and consider the matter.
4. Were you personally offended? If so, have you gone to your brother alone first? If he has been personally offended and has not followed biblical order (including personal examination of sin), send him back to his brother. Remind him that the goal is to seek peace. (Romans 12:18)
Satan would love nothing more than to see us destroy ourselves from within. Gossip, slander, backbiting, envy, unforgiveness, bitterness, and hate—none of these things have any place in the life of a Christian. Yet, every day I hear of another witness being ruined. I learn of reputations being destroyed, marriages being harmed, children being disillusioned, ministries being slandered, churches being split—and I wonder how God must be grieved.
Let us teach our children the difference between confronting sin (with the goal of repentance and restoration) and doing a victory dance when the imperfections of others are revealed. Teach them to grieve over the sin of a sibling, to pray, to confront them biblically, and to rejoice in his repentance. Teach them that gossip spreads like a raging fire, consumes reputations, destroys friendships, and wounds and scars its’ victims forever. Teach them to seek peace and never allow them to hide behind a pious mask of deception, while secretly enjoying the failures of others. Remember that tattlers grow up to be gossipers, and peace makers…well, they grow up to be peace makers.
By His Grace,
Stacy McDonald, Your Sacred Calling
This article appears in Homeschooling Today magazine, 2007
