When Daughters are Resistant

by Kathy on April 18, 2013 in Homemaking, Purpose, Training Ground for Mature Adult Character

For most of us we are doing things differently than our mothers did, meaning that  we desire to live the Titus 2 life of being at keeper AT home, not a keeper OF the home.

Most of us spent our childhood in the government schools, day-cares and were latchkey kids, which left little time for the most cherished and longed for relationship between mother and child, and even less time for the teaching of practical skills.  And that is a big part of why we are so passionate about our duty of being a wife, mother and homemaker. That is why we will sacrifice and beg God to pour out his grace on us and our family, because we long to redeem and reform our family and our culture.  The breakdown down of the family structure, designed by the Creator, is a major factor to the decaying society around us.

As passionate and diligent as we mothers are, some of us may end up with children who do not catch the vision, that do not understand the importance of bringing every area of life in submission to the Lord. It is frustrating for us passionate mothers, but I challenge you to remember a few things:

  • First and foremost, whether they ‘get-it’ or not, it does not excuse you from your duty to teach it.

When they are resistant it is easy to throw your hands up and say, ‘what’s the use?’, but you must remember that your responsibility, your faithfulness is to the Lord, and that you can not base your obedience on someone else’s obedience.  You sow, you water, you weed, but the rest is between them and the Lord. God alone gives sight to the blind.

  • When they resist don’t take it personally.

Again, it is very frustrating when they don’t ‘get-it’, it makes our job so much harder, especially as we ourselves are most likely learning new skills and new way of life along with them; you want them to be passionate too, and in all reality, many of them will not be.  You can NOT take this personally. It is something the Lord has to reveal to them, and it may take years. Once you realize that their resistance is not a personal attack on you, you are more free to be long-suffering, patient and filled with grace…and you may even be able to smile at them. 🙂 Remember how long-suffering the Almighty is with us!

  • Hone in on their interest and build from there.

Find something that interest them and try to nurture some desire from that point, maybe it is baking rather than cooking? Perhaps they have a talent in decorating or organization?  What about helping with the couponing and shopping?  Are they the outdoor type? What about gardening and canning?

  • Limit foolishness and self-seeking activities.

How is their time spent? Consider the time that is spent away from home, usually participating in sports, clubs, lessons and just hanging out with friends. And then there is the mental and emotional away from home in the form of texting, phone and computer, and I would also include unlimited hours of time spent in fictional books.  Why would they desire being AT home, learning to make home, when they can be esteemed, have their ego stroked and be ‘popular’ among peers? Can they have a heart for home if they are never at home?  Being a skilled homemaker takes discipline. Being a homemaker is mostly ignored and mocked in our be-all-you-can-be society. I highly suggest limiting activities that boost their ego and dependence on peers, and even more so the tuning out of the real world where they actually live, but replace that with skills and relationships that will equip them with self-confidence to be a well rounded adult!

  • Regardless of their level of desire, they have duties, that is just life!

As I said, being an efficient homemaker takes discipline, and until they take hold of the vision for themselves they still have to do the duties. I told my 12 year old daughter one day when we were disagreeing about the skill of quilting, “I don’t care if you enjoy it, and you do not have to do it in your leisure time, but I do want you to BE ABLE to do it.”  There is duty for duty’s sake, and then there is duty for delight’s sake, our goal is that one day our resistant daughters will grab hold of the delight that can be found in the duties!

  • Sometimes it takes being thirsty before they will drink.

I had a resistant daughter. I would not say that she was rebellious, but homemaking skills were not high on her list of delightful things to do, but THEN!!! 🙂 Last summer a wonderful young man came into our lives with the intentions of taking her as his bride. It was the most hilarious,  yet joyful and rewarding thing for me to step back and watch her make up for lost time. She was cooking all the time, she got serious about homemaking…I could go on and on, because now, after years of me leading her to the water,  she was thirsty.

My resistant little girl, who will turn 19 next week, was married last weekend, and she is finding much delight in her duties as a wife. Thankfully she has the basic skills to build her home and her marriage on. She is drinking from the Fountain of Life and embracing her duty to be a joyful keeper AT home! Praise be to God.

Kathy

Kathy Brodock, is the wife of Jeff Brodock, and mother of seven children, three of whom are adopted. She is a homeschool veteran of over 20 years and is an author and video producer. She also enjoys the fiber arts of quilting and crocheting, along with the culinary arts of cake decorating and catering. But her heart is truly one of a wife, mother and homemaker. Her home on the web is TeachingGoodThings.com

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{ 19 comments }

Rachel E. April 17, 2013

She’s beautiful like her mama. I didn’t have the training your daughter had when she got married. I had to learn a lot of it on my own. I knew some things and was eager to please and make sure the home was in order and the food was on the table. But to be honest, cooking was a skill I had to learn. I cooked from a book. I had to. Now, 18 years later, I am able to throw things together and have complements. There are still cookbook nights because we try new things and my memory isn’t the greatest when it comes to recipes.

It’s a forever learning process. Congrats on your daughter’s marriage.

DonnaJ April 17, 2013

Awesome! Congratulations to your family and the new couple.

Lindsey @ Road to 31 April 17, 2013

So it might just be my pregnancy hormones, but I totally teared up as I read that ending story about your daughter finally “seeing the light” when it came to needing homemaking skills after you had been teaching her for all those years.

I was the resistant daughter and now I am paying for it dearly, praying for an older lady to come into my life to show me how. For some reason blogs and books have become my mentors … maybe one day God will bless me with a lady like you in person to ask questions to and seek wisdom from for the training of my own children.

Thank you.

Laura April 17, 2013

This is just what I needed to read today. I have one that is so resistant to anything home. It’s so frustrating to me as a mom. I have hope. Thanks.

Jackie B. April 18, 2013

Thank you so much for sharing this wonderfully truthful post! I can totally relate to this as we’re working on raising our two daughters to be keepers at home. I was raised in a “you must go to college and get an education in order to be successful” home, and am myself learning alongside our girls to be obedient and submissive to the Lord’s calling on our lives. God bless you!

Jeanne April 18, 2013

Kathy, Thanks you, Thank you for this post. We have a daughter and well frankly it seems more and more that she is pulling away from me but then she says that I just do not love her. This breaks my heart! We are at it all the time and I do not know how to get past it. She wants to be younger and now she want to be a boy and then she and i constantly clash. I read that it was common nowadays with girls because they are asserting their independance – but that is not how I see it.. It hurts so bad that she doesn not want to spend time with me ut yet then she complains that there is no time for her! i just don’t get it..

Jeanne

Lisa April 18, 2013

Love it!!!

Terry @ A Moms Many Lessons April 18, 2013

Thanks for sharing this! The part about not taking it personally really speaks to me! That’s something I need to remember daily. It’s so easy to begin to change the plan when they balk at our efforts to teach them or instill a value. They are all different and will enjoy a variety if things, but you made a great point to remember. They still need to know the skills for running a home.
Thanks again!

Luba with Forever Living April 18, 2013

Thank you for the beautiful post. A girl cannot be too skilled in homemaking; thank you for teaching your daughter.

Lisa April 18, 2013

Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!!!!!! I have 3 daughters. Two are on board with homemaker and then one that is the oldest also, that really don’t want anything to do with staying home…..so all I can say is THANK YOU!!!!

Linda Bossle April 18, 2013

Thank you for this article. I have awesome daughters but there is no interest in homemaking and lately I’ve been giving up on the teaching. Thanks for the word – I will start back in there.

Tamara April 18, 2013

So needed today…when I saw the title I decided to read it as my 16 year old daughter and I had just had a discussion on a subject very close to this and there was resistance! Thank you for reminding of things I already knew but needed a witness to say “A-men”! God bless you!

Farrah April 18, 2013

Thank you, Kathy, for this encouraging post! My daughter is most resistant to homekeeping of any sort. Maybe this will change when her fella comes along.

Melinda Smith April 18, 2013

My girls were not resistant to learning homemaking skills. We’ve had the opposite happen. Both of our girls want more than anything to be wives & mothers. That’s the desire of their hearts. They both live under their father’s protection. They both love the Lord & serve Him. But, God hasn’t put the man in their lives.

Our oldest daughter is 30 & was married for a year. They had a courtship arrangement that we approved of. We felt that God said it was right for them to marry. He claimed to be a Christian, although he was from India, & said he wanted the same things in life that she did. Within months he changed completely! Denying the Lord as his Savior & abusing our daughter. After stepping in several times trying to help them keep the marriage intact, we traveled from Louisiana to New York & brought our daughter back home where she would be safe. It’s been a couple of years now & she’s doing well. We don’t understand what God’s purpose was in all of this. But, her faith is stronger than ever!

Our 2nd daughter is 29 & has always wanted a houseful of kids to love & teach. Again, we don’t understand why God hasn’t brought someone into her life. She’s trying to be patient & content with her life the way it is. But sometimes it’s really hard for her.

I’ve not seen any testimonies along this line. What do you do when you’ve raised your daughters to be wives & mothers for God’s glory & their biological clocks are ticking away. How do you keep encouraging them? What do you say when they ask why God hasn’t allowed them to get married & have children?

Our 3rd child & oldest son is now 27 & has been happily married for 6 years. They are expecting their 1st child. I thank God every day for my wonderful daughter-in-law whom God placed in my son’s life while he was still doing high school work (we homeschooled all 4 children all the way through). She was also homeschooled & is a wonderful homemaker. I know she will be a wonderful mother also.

Our girls are active in church, have worked out in the public, etc. There just doesn’t seem to be any Godly young men who want a strong Christian woman.

We know other families who wanted their daughters to have a “back-up” plan in case they didn’t get married or chose to work after marriage. But we never felt that that was what God wanted for us to instill in our daughters. But, now it seems they are having to live a Plan B life.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Surely we’re not the only ones.

Kathy April 19, 2013

Melinda,

I have a 22 year old who is also ‘waiting’, and she is waiting with such contentment and purpose that her joyful attitude often convicts me as I wonder where her husband is. 😉 I think we are suffering from the
consequences of a family hating culture where boys refuse to become men and girls grow up to be men!

I think the thing is we have to JOYFULLY accept God’s will for us, and yes, most girls will marry, but some will not. Does that mean they are not here for a purpose? They have a HUGE and GLORIOUS opportunity to serve in ways that married girls cannot.

So often I think of Corrie Ten Boom, who stayed under her father’s authority as she worked in the family shop but also ministered to so many that most people pushed aside. She would go to the insane asylums and teach the mentally challenged people. And could she have done what she did during the Holocaust if she had been more concerned with her own children and getting them to safety?

It’s all part of God’s story, waiting, widowed, wronged, sickness, poverty…whatever, God is working all for his glory and our good.

My 22 year old daughter serves at a crisis pregnancy center and does counseling there. She also teaches cooking classes as she hopes to one day have her own cooking school (home business). She and her sister also operate a small cleaning business, and she helps me with our younger 3 children we are adopting.

A single young, or not so young, lady has a special calling, encourage them to embrace it with gratitude, JOY and fervency! I know it is hard, but we are called to do the hard things with thanksgiving. As moms we need to encourage them to use their gifts wisely. 🙂

Faith @ Artistic31Mama April 18, 2013

A beautiful daughter!!! I was married at 18. I felt lost at first but pressed on because of my desire to learn. I love my mom, but we did not have a great relationship growing up. She cooked from boxes, never sewed, crafted, didn’t have any type of real “routine” for cleaning, etc. When my husband and I were first married he was surprised that I didn’t know how to do certain things. His mom made everything from scratch, sewed, gardened, canned, etc. I desired to be like that and started learning how to do all this and more. I want to pass on everything I have learned to my daughter (she’s 4 now). You have some very wise words in this post. I’m pinning it to my parenting board on Pinterest to reference when she’s older. 🙂

JenniferR April 19, 2013

“First and foremost, whether they ‘get-it’ or not, it does not excuse you from your duty to teach it.” Love it Kathy! Great post!

Angela April 19, 2013

Such a great article. I have seen this in my own daughter’s lives – they are 14 and 17. They didn’t always like to pitch in with household tasks, but now they seem to love it. There are no beaus in the picture now, not for a while yet. They know how to run and manage a household already. My 17 year old graduates next month, she has never had a desire to be anything other than a wife and mother, so she will not be seeking a college degree, but will stay on here at home helping in our ministry (my husband is a pastor) until the Lord sends a husband her way. Likewise, our 14 year old wants to be a wife and mother of many children, and a keeper at home. It is such a blessing! “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.” 3 John 1:4

Roswyn April 30, 2013

I was so encouraged by this article. I have 2 semi-resistant daughters, 16 and 10. Well, the 16 year old has expressed appreciation recently that she does have know how around the home etc. and is less resistent now, especially since forming a special friendship with a lovely christian young man! Thinking more along the lines of one day being a wife, instead of pursuing a career and overseas trips for selfish gain, like some of her friends had influenced. Her younger sister has been watching from the sidelines the negative attitudes and took them on board herself unfortunately. She was one who used to want 10 children! They do have influences from all around too of course.We are swimming against the tide aren’t we. So, thank-you so much. I will persevere and do my part and keep praying as God will do the work in their hearts. Our older daughter was married at 18 and has three children, she is a very capable homemaker. There is always hope. I am praying for our three sons to have godly homemaker wives.

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