The Impact of Miscarriage on our Daughters

by Amy on February 20, 2012 in Faithfulness, Home Culture, Place to grieve and heal

daughter

When I miscarried in 2000 and 2003, my children were too young to know what had happened.  However, when I miscarried this past Thanksgiving and again last weekend, most of my children and especially my daughters are well aware of what is happening.

And they grieve.

I think perhaps my daughters grieve even harder than daughters in another family might because they remember well the death of their little sister, Emily, in 2008.  My children are no strangers to tragedy.

Yet, to an outsider who does not know our story, my daughters look like joyful, well-adjusted children.  The truth is…they are!

Certainly, they have cried over the death of their sister and certainly, they have mourned our recent miscarriages, but I believe these experiences will shape them rather than break them.

Children take their cues from their parents.

How you view life and children, miscarriages and crisis will directly translate to how your children see those same things.  If you actively live out your life based on the belief that God is in control, your daughters will not fear their childbearing years, they will go into them knowing that God has a particular plan for them.

A mother’s weakness gives children a chance to minister.

The home is the first place young people learn how to serve others.  It is the place they learn to perceive others’ needs and meet those needs.  A mother who is not well for a time, is not necessarily a detriment to the household if during that time the family comes together to minister to her needs and learn invaluable skills in the process.

The parents steadfastness shows the child what matters most.

My children know they are blessings because we embrace every blessing that comes our way, even the ones we do not hold here on this earth.  There is no question in their little minds that we see them as precious gifts.

We don’t hide the truth.

Miscarriage hurts.  I cry.  A lot.  I don’t want to scare my children by not telling them why Mommy is sad, so the door and the dialogue remain open.  I need them to be able to come to me with their thoughts and hurts and I need to be willing to share my own.  No, I don’t believe in unnecessarily burdening a small child with adult pain, but hiding the truth only serves to shock and wound them later on when they realize there was a piece of their lives no one told them about.

One resource I highly recommend for helping both children and adults understand miscarriage and God’s faithfulness in and through it all is this CD from Vision Forum:

This CD (which also comes in DVD form) helped me to maintain a correct view of life even amidst my own anguish over our losses.  It came at the perfect time.

There will be an impact on your daughters if you ever suffer a miscarriage, but the impact does not have to be a negative one.  May we never live a life of fear and defeat for we have victory in Christ!

Amy

Amy of RaisingArrows.net is the homeschooling mother of 7 living children and one precious little girl named Emily being held in the Lord’s arms. Her days are filled with giggly girls, rambunctious boys and sticky baby kisses. At night, she writes about it all. It is her deepest desire that out of the overflow of her heart, her mouth should speak…and her fingers type.

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{ 25 comments }

Renee February 20, 2012

Dear Amy, sorry about your loss.

Our most recent miscarriage happen last week, and our 4 year old, understood what happened, hearing her pray for Mama to heal praying for God to put another baby in my belly is a bitter-sweet moment. This is not a experience that I would wish to any family.

See our family have had our share of ups and downs, in 6 pregnancies we had 3 miscarriages and 3 difficult pregnancies. Our 3 daughters are so precious and a real blessing from the Lord. But in the mist of pain and trials, we have become closer as a family.

Megan February 20, 2012

I’m really sorry about your miscarriage. 🙁

Kris February 20, 2012

when we were in the midst of our miscarriages, our children were such a healing blessing to me! they brought me strength when i was sure i had no more left. and there is nothing quite like the snuggle of a child to help heal your heart. my only wish is that my own mother had been open with us as kids when she miscarried. it would have helped make the experience a little less scary and helped me feel a little less alone. one of the books i found that really ministered to my heart was “hannah’s hope”.

crystal February 20, 2012

Thank you so much for this article. We are dealing wtih the loss while still carring our precious twin b. We losgt our blessing somewhere between 14-15 weeks. Praying baby A will be able to survive with no aniotic fluid. I am 20 weeks and have been crying right along with my husband and our 5 children. My twin girls who are 8 took very hard and now see how special they are to each other. I will be ordering this CD and soon as my husband says we can. 🙂 God bless you for the ministry you do here and know you are all in our prayers.

Amy @ Raising Arrows February 21, 2012

I will be praying, Crystal.

Kristi February 20, 2012

I’m so, so sorry about your recent loss – and so touched by what you wrote. I have one living daughter, born before our three losses, and while she was too young to fully understand what was happening at the time, we have included her in our conversations since then about our babies in heaven. She knows their names and we talk about Heaven a lot more in our home than in others, I suspect. Even at the age of four, I see a sensitivity in her and an awareness of eternity that exceeds her age. While I would love to shield her from life’s hurts in some ways, I also see how God will use them to shape her, not break her. Thank you for sharing your heart on this!

Chelsey S. February 20, 2012

Miscarriage was one of the most painful moments in my life. I am so grateful that God was with me 100% of the way through it. I think it is so important that you talk about this with your older children. They need to have a chance to grieve too. I love all that you said about this. Especially that these hard things in life dont have to be negative. What a wonderful lesson that is to our children. I am so sorry for your recent loss. May God lift you up and keep you in this hard time. We will keep you in our prayers.

Linda February 20, 2012

Beautiful Post Amy! I am so sorry for the recent miscarriages. Hugs, and prayers!

Nicole Kline February 20, 2012

Thank you for posting a topic of miscarriage. My daughters did mourn (4,5,14,14) for quite awhile. The 4 and 5 year old talked about it for weeks. My sons (1,2) were too little to understand. I will have to order that DVD. I am sorry for your losses.

Miranda February 20, 2012

I’m so sorry for your losses, Amy! Thank you for this resource. I haven’t had a miscarriage, though I haven’t been able to get pregnant either. I can’t imagine loss like this … My prayer go with you.

Annalyn February 20, 2012

I’m the oldest of 5 and the only girl. I’m now 36, a grown woman with my own household. I love my mom. She’s my friend. I was speaking with her yesterday when I realized something. The reason I feel I can approach her with my concerns is because on occasion, she’s opened up and shared her weaknesses, worries, and fears with me. I know I can find compassion there. The mutual vulnerability creates a mutual trust.

I shared with her the dramatic difference between how I can come to her with concerns.. but I don’t feel comfortable going to my current supervisor with concerns. She very rarely opens up. She’s so “professional” that I don’t feel that I can find anything that resembles compassion there. With my supervisor, there is no sharing, no mutual vulnerability.. and no mutual trust.

I’m so very grateful for the relationship I have with my mother, for her willingness to allow me to see her human-ness. I love her all the more for it.

drea February 20, 2012

I am so sorry for your losses. I went back and read emily’s story as well, and cried. You are no stranger to heartache, but I rejoice in how the Lord has sustained you. Thank you for being willing to share your heart and let the Lord use your grief to reach others who are hurting. Hugs and prayers…

Heather Anderson February 20, 2012

My husband and I have always felt that it is healthy to share with our children the grief of death as well as the joy. We have not shielded them from funerals. Nor have we hidden our tears over our miscarriages. At the same time, we try to share with them the joys of eternity so that we can always carry with us that eternal perspective. Thank you for sharing your journey through these difficult seasons. It has ministered to me, even as I have been drawn to pray for you.

Michelle February 20, 2012

Oh, I just read Emily’s story last night and it broke my heart!

Now I see this post and remember our miscarriage and how it affected our children. At first I wished so much that we hadn’t told them we were expecting, but when I saw how they comforted me and how they DID have the opportunity to serve, I knew that even that was part of God’s plan for our family.

The prospect of heaven is sweeter the longer I live. I so long for my True home. My heart goes out to your and your family. Thank you for being honest and open with all of us “out here”. ((((hugs))))

~Michelle

Erin February 20, 2012

I’m so sorry for your losses. I’ve had two miscarriages and I’m scared to get pregnant again because of them. My sons have also been an amazing blessing to me during those times.

Sharon O February 20, 2012

I am so sorry… it is hard.
May God be with you, strengthen you and continue to give you hope.

Amy @ Raising Arrows February 21, 2012

Thank you all…what a blessing you have been to me today.

Gail February 21, 2012

I experienced 2 miscarriages (one a tubal pregnancy) before having my first child, another between the 1st and 2nd children and then 2 more within the same year when my kids were 14, 12, 10, 7, 4 and 2. The first miscarriages were the most difficult for me…not knowing if we were ever going to be parents and dealing with, not only my losses in that year, but also the miscarriages that 2 close friends experienced. My biggest struggles were understanding how all that loss could be God’s will. I never doubted that He existed, but I had difficulty with His Sovereignty and Goodness. While I did struggle again to understand what was going on with the last 2 miscarriages, the hardest part was helping my kids to grieve. We never hid anything from them, but sought to help them to deal with the loss and to answer their questions. It was definitely an experience that they look back on as faith building. I still don’t understand why God allowed our family to go through so much loss, but I have been able to minister to many other women as they’ve gone through their own miscarriages. Thanks for being open about your experience and for providing a resource for others who are going through similar situations. May the God of all comfort, comfort you and enable you to be a comfort to others!

Michele February 21, 2012

I’m sorry to hear about your families loss. I will say a prayer for your family.

Michele

Dawn (Large Family Mom) February 21, 2012

My oldest daughter was 7 when we lost baby #8. I remember her sitting on my lap that night and sobbing. We were both sobbing. We also had a 4 yr old, 3 yr old, 2 yr old, and 7 month old. The two who were 4 and 3 still talk about their baby sibling who died. They are now 13 and 12. God blessed us with a baby within a year after the miscarriage. I always tell them that if we had not had to give up our baby, we wouldn’t have our John!

It was such a tremendous help to me to have a 7 month old though. I still had a baby to hold, so my arms weren’t completely empty. That was such a comfort.

Phyllis Sather February 21, 2012

I am so sorry about your loss, actually losses. I do know the pain of miscarriage as well.

What wonderful things you have shared here that many women will be able to apply to their own lives.

Kara Thompson February 22, 2012

We also have experienced miscarriage. We have six babies in heaven waiting for us. My daughter had just turned three when we lost our twins. And although I never really talked to her about it, she definitley could sense that something was upsetting Mommy. Through the years, we have not kept it a secret and she has gone through another loss with us when she was more able to understand everything. We are very open about it and I believe that it’s less confusing and less scary for her now that she is turning 8 this month. Our faith in God and belief in Heaven is what pulled us through. God has blessed us with two beautiful, healthy children, both miracles, and we are 21 weeks along with our third. For those of you who have repeat miscarriages, give the situation to God 100%, not 99.5%, as I was doing for years as I was frantically continuing a search for the perfect doctor to give me all of the answers. I believe God has blessed us with wonderful modern medicine, but He is the Great Physician we are to put 100% of our faith into. Prayers for all of you dealing with miscarriage. God’s mercy and grace will pull you through like nothing else can.

Gillian February 23, 2012

Thank you for sharing. Blessings and prayers are sent your way on the recent miscarriage. xx

cheryl February 23, 2012

I am so sorry for your loss. Your blog was such an encouragement to me. I just found out we are expecting our 13th child. We have 7 children here and 5 in heaven. I had 3 miscarriages last year. It is so hard not to be fearful, but I am trying to remember to take my fears to the Lord and trust in His strength to get me through the next few weeks. Your writing has encouraged me to be honest in front of my children- to show them that when I am fearful or sad I can depend on the Lord. I also have not told the kids about our newest one but I think we will so they can rejoice with us and this new life for as long as the Lord allows this season to last and so I can be real in front of my children when I’m having a hard day. Thank you for sharing.

Jenna February 23, 2012

I had a molar pregnancy in November. My kids knew I was pregnant. I was 13 weeks when I had to go in for the d&c to remove the mole. My children pray every day that I will have another baby. When I came home from the doctor the day that I got the news it was a molar pregnancy, I was more upset about my kids feeling sad at the loss of the pregnancy than I was about the loss of the pregnancy. I’m very glad that my kids love being siblings so much that they want another baby just as much as I do.

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