I’m Sorry {Part 2}

In this post, I explained that we do not teach our daughter to apologize for sinful behavior.  Instead, we are teaching her to practice the biblical paradigm of confession, repentance, seeking forgiveness, and ultimately, true reconciliation or restoration of the relationship.

But, practically, what does this look like?  How does it work out in the course of real, everyday life?

First, we differentiate between sinful behavior, and childish mistakes or accidents. 

Accidents or mistakes may be a result of sinful behavior, at times.  But, they are not always sinful.

Who among us has not come around a corner and unintentionally bumped into someone, because we did not see them coming?  And, in instances like these, we do teach our daughter that a simple, sincere “I’m sorry” is a perfectly appropriate, polite response.

But, sin is different, and a distinction must be made.

Sin is anything – thought, word, or action – contrary to the teaching of Scripture.  Disobedience to daddy or mommy, selfishness, being unkind to a friend or sibling, defiance, disrespect, lying…  All of these (and, probably others) would fall into this category.

Second, we, as parents, teach by example. 

“Consciously or unconsciously, we are continually training our children, engraving our values in them as if in wet cement. Albert Schweitzer put it this way: ‘There are only three ways to teach a child. The first is by example; the second is by example; the third is by example.’” ~Randy Alcorn

“Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity.” ~Titus 2:7 (ESV)

If we simply teach this paradigm to our children without ever practicing it ourselves, then we are hypocrites.

Moms, do your children hear you complain?  Do you often become impatient with others (in traffic, at the grocery store, on the phone), or inanimate objects (computers, appliances, etc.)?  Do you get unnecessarily angered by their behavior?  Instead of justifying or excusing your sin, humble yourself, go to your children, confess it as sin, seek their forgiveness, and repent.

Wives, are you disrespectful or unkind to your husband in front of your children?  Then deal with this in a humble, biblical manner.  Confess and repent of your sinful attitudes and behavior to him, and seek his forgiveness – in front of your kids.  Allow them to see, not only the sinful actions, but the process of grace, forgiveness, and reconciliation.  (No, not all aspects of marital reconciliation should take place in front of the children.  However, it is important for them to know that a proper relationship has been restored.  Sadly, they often learn much from us about how to fight, and how to sinfully express anger, but they rarely see, or learn as much about biblical reconciliation.)

Recognize sin as sin in your own life, and deal with it biblically.

Third, walk through the process with them.

My daughter is still young.  And, even though I consider her to be a smart girl, the concept and process of biblical reconciliation is one that many adults have difficulty grasping.

Then why “force” her to do it?

“Children…can receive the profoundest truths of the Bible without any explanation.  When they are older, they will be better fitted to grapple with the difficulties of the elementary religious teachings.  The idea that a child must have a knowledge of the outline of the Bible story before he knows the central truth that Jesus Christ is his loving Savior, is as unreasonable as it would be to suppose that a child must know the anatomy of the human frame before he is able to believe in his mother’s love for him.” ~Henry Clay Trumbull (Hints on Child Training, pg. 77)

Right now, our goal is not that she fully understand the process.  My goal is simply that she would begin to put these biblical principles into practice, and establish good habits now – while she is young. And, as we continue to teach the biblical basis and foundation for these habits, we pray that fuller understanding will come as she grows and matures.

But, for now, help your children to merge the theoretical with the practical.  Show them.  Walk through it with them.  Don’t do it for them, but help them see how it works out in real life situations.

Each child is different.  Each one has her own unique personality, strengths, and weaknesses. Walking a child through the process of confession, repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation is not a “one size fits all” formula. For that reason, I cannot tell you exactly what to do, or even give you a step-by-step process to follow.

But, here is an example of what this might look like this in our home:

Start by addressing the sinful behavior.  Sometimes this will take the form of directly pointing out why a particular action or attitude was wrong.  Other times, it may be helpful to ask “leading” questions.  These can help your child to process her own behavior, and verbalize what she has done/is doing wrong.

• “Are you being kind to ______?”
• “Are you sharing your toys, or are you being selfish?”
• “Did you obey Mommy/Daddy?”
• “Was that a respectful way to answer?”

We then follow up questions like:

• “Was that right?”
• “What does God call it when we {fill in the blank: disobey, lie, are selfish}?”
  (“I don’t know” may be an acceptable answer, but it is insufficient.  Of course, the answer you are looking for, and may have to guide them to, is “Sin.”)
• “Who did you sin against? (A parent, sibling, or friend may have been the direct recipients of the sinful behavior.  But, we also want to remind our children that their sin was also, ultimately, against God.)
• “What should we do about it?”

Confession:
Some children are “people-pleasers” and will simply do whatever it takes to get out of trouble, or to prevent punishment.  Others are genuinely more tender-hearted when it comes to their sin.  They quickly see, and accept responsibility for their actions, and are eager to restore the relationship.  Others are stubborn.  It may take them some time to understand and accept their actions as sinful.

Confession is “the act of acknowledging one’s guilt.”

As many of the commenters (on this post) noted, it often looks something like this:

• “I was wrong/I sinned when I {fill in the blank with specific sinful actions}.”  Yes, it may be preceded by an “I’m sorry.”  Again, there is nothing wrong with feeling sorrowful for one’s sin.  However, it is not to be followed by a “but.”  (“But, you did…” “But, I was just…”)
• This acknowledgement should be directed to the person sinned against, and also to God, in prayer.

And a true confession, or acknowledgement of guilt should always be followed by a request for forgiveness.

Forgiveness:
There are two types of forgiveness:

1.  Attitudinal forgiveness is the willingness and desire on the part of the one who was wronged to forgive, even before it is requested.
2. Transactional forgiveness is the forgiveness granted when it is asked.

As parents, we should always be willing to freely grant and exercise forgiveness to our children, before it is requested.  (Even if it is not requested.)   But, we must help our children to understand their need for transactional forgiveness as well.  This puts the proverbial “ball in the other person’s court.”  It makes a request of the offended party, so that they also must play a part in restoring the relationship.

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” ~1 John 1:9 (ESV)

Again, we need to help our children understand that their sin was not only against another person.  It was ultimately against God.  And, as such, we must teach our children to humbly seek His forgiveness as well.

Repentance:
“Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.” ~Proverbs 28:13 (ESV)

Repentance is simply defined as “a change of mind.”  It is a turning from sin, a putting off of old, sinful habits, and putting on of new ones.

This is a process, and one that will take time.  And, that time will tell if your child’s confession was genuine.

If your child has professed Christ as Savior, this would be a great opportunity for intentional discipleship.  Leading her in prayer, and help her to understand that only God can help them to consistently forsake their sinful behavior.

Reconciliation:
This is an extremely important part of the process.  In reconciliation, the relationship broken by sin is restored.

Yes, there may be some lingering consequences of sin:

• a favorite toy has been broken, or taken away
• a playmate has been sent home
• privileges have been lost or suspended

But, the child must be reassured that she is loved, and now stands forgiven.  This assurance that the relationship is restored should be given immediately.

And the matter is closed.

———

Some days, I do wish there were a “one size fits all” formula for helping a child (or a mom!) to understand, and learn to practice the biblical paradigm for confession, repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.  But there isn’t.

It takes time.  It takes grace.  It takes patience.

“And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.” ~1 Thessalonians 5:13 (ESV)