Last week, I took my daughter out on a date. I didn’t tell her where we were going, only that she would love it.
We said good-bye to Daddy and her siblings, made a quick stop for yummy drinks, and then pulled up to the movie theater. Movies aren’t generally something that we go out to see, especially with the offerings in the theaters these days, but I just couldn’t resist this particular night… we paid, found our seats and sat down just as the old classic The Sound of Music burst upon the screen and my delighted little girl squealed to see her very favorite movie in a theater.
Just her and mommy.
{And yes… she sang along to every song. I have to confess that even I found myself humming along. Wouldn’t you?}
That night, I had plenty of other things that felt really important to be doing once the kids were in bed, but I sensed that she was in need of some extra mommy-lovin’ and I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to spoil my sweet Abbie.
Before you assume that I must be some supermom, who is always attentive to her kids, never says “mmm-hmmm” when she’s not really looking or listening, spends hours of quality time with them each day, or the like, I’ll burst that bubble. I’m not that mom.
I struggle with ditching my to-do list in favor of just being with my kids. I often live my days as if accomplishing things were more important then being fully present. Learning to prioritize being relational above doing things is a constant challenge, and yet, it is one that I recognize to be well worth the time, effort and the steep learning curve that it is for me.
She must have thanked me 6 or 7 times alone, before we even left the theatre, and then again as we drove back home and I tucked her into bed that night. It obviously made her feel cared for, noticed, cherished and exceptionally loved. I even noticed some improvement in her general attitude over the next few days. It’s amazing how far a small gesture like that can go.
It’s not like we don’t spend a lot of time together in our regular day-to-day routines: in the kitchen, cleaning together, doing homeschool, gardening, driving places, at mealtimes… and as valuable and crucial and enjoyable as those things are, sometimes they just can’t hold a candle to that precious one-on-one time.
As I watch some of my friend’s daughters grow older and into their teen years, it seems that those who have been able to keep a close watch on their daughters hearts and keep those lines of communication openly flowing– they are the ones who continue to have a beautiful relationship with their daughter, where there is trust, vulnerability, honesty and still a great measure of influence. Their daughters respect them and want to maintain the relationship, not because they feel like they should, but because they genuinely delight in being close to their mother.
I didn’t have that growing up. How I longed for it. And now, how desperately I want it for my own beloved daughters and for myself. The bond between a mother and daughter can be precarious at times, and yet it is so very precious and worth fighting for every step of the way.
These one-on-one times don’t have to be expensive. They don’t have to be elaborate. You don’t even have to go out anywhere.
It could be taking 10 minutes each night to sit on the end of her bed and discuss the day or pray together. It could be time for a cup of tea while siblings are napping or otherwise occupied. It could be an after-dinner walk or a leisurely stroll through the garden. It can sometimes even happen while running errands or doing necessary tasks like shopping (did you know that grocery shopping or a post-office run, just you and mommy, is extremely exciting when you’re 6 years old?).
It simply needs to say, “I love you. You are so special to me. I enjoy talking with you deeply and knowing who you are. I’m your mother, but I am also your friend and confidante, and most of all, I am 100% for you.”
How do you make one-on-one times with your daughters happen? What are your favorite things to do together?
Image by daveparker
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
Beautiful moments you have created with your daughter. Thanks for sharing the highlights. It’s an idea for all moms to embrace.
Well for me…My oldest (Katie 18) I spend cooking in the kitchen together, later that day (Maryanna 16) I spend helping her figure out my computer graphic programs, (Christia 2) I tuck in bed with storytime and Bible craft and (Little T 2months) I spend in the wee hours of the morning feeding and singing. I love these special learning times with each of my children.
Right now we have a newborn, so it’s hard to get time alone with the girls. Yesterday was a rough day for our oldest daughter (almost 3) and I was laying awake around midnight praying and thinking about what I could have done differently, and I succumbed to the impulse to go lay in her bed with her and pray over her. She woke up just as I finished and we cuddled and chatted for a little bit. Not quite a date, but it was wonderful and rejuvinated me after such a chaotic day.
Thank you so much for this article. I am the mom of 7 (5 boys & 2 girls), & like you, I didn’t have this growing up & also longed for it, so it makes it harder to know what i need to be for my daughters (10 years & 4 years old). I wasn’t close to my mother at all until i was about 30. but now she is one of my best friends. But I don’t want to wait until then to have this with my dd, trying & learning with the Lords help to know how to have this now. Thank you so much again for your encouragement & reminder!! Cyndy
I have 3 girls, and find it very difficult to get just one on one time with each separately, even though know they long for it, especially our oldest who is 11 but mentally and emotionally more mature. Its easier with the youngest since she isn’t in school yet, but the other 2 miss out. I do try at the end of the day, to sit with each just so they can talk uninterrupted. I’m hoping to implement more over the summer, before the new baby arrives and my time is even more divided. Thanks for sharing what a lovely time you shared with your daughter. I remember simple things I got to do with my mom, so I cherish the times with my girls even more, knowing how important the time and attention is from a busy mother.
I struggle with dropping everything and being present too, only for different reasons than my to do list. Grammie with Alzheimer’s lives with us.
While Grammie is the sweetest, most helpful gal in the world, she needs to be directed and managed moment by moment or dirty dishes get put away clean and dirty clothes get folded and put away with the clean ones, etc. Everyone pitches in so it’s not a massive burden for anyone. But no matter how you cut it, the kids and I spend a ton of time trying to remember what we were doing before we had to shuffle Grammie. My daughter keenly feels the time lost.
She and I have taken up sewing lessons. She eats them up. When I sense she’s feeling particularly neglected, I take her grocery shopping or on errands with me and we get a small treat and talk, talk, talk. It works like magic.
That said, boys need time too. Mine must have their time alone with Mom too, they just show it differently than my daughter. The guys tend to get angry and sullen, whereas my daughter becomes whiny and clingy.
I love this! It is something my husband and I have been talking about. Taking our kids out on date nights. More of Daddy Daughter dates and Mommy Son dates, but even doing special things for them. We we’re discussing the other night (our oldest is 4) that maybe when all of our kids turn 5 we could take them to go see a movie (also not a huge thing we do in our house, but it would definitely be a treat for them!). We haven’t implemented anything yet, but this is a great reminder of how important that time is with them! Thank you!
This is something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately and have been trying to figure out how to incorporate it into our lives. I have 9 daughters so I rarely have the chance to spend time alone with each one because they each have a special night with Daddy (which is much needed as well).
My daughter is only a year old, but my husband will take our son out for some Father/Son time while I stay with my daughter and read her favorite books, brush her hair, and do some “girl stuff.” I cannot wait until she is older and our options will be greater.
I have 4 kids, 3 of which are girls…the youngest (5) wants me to read to her every day. One or two books only takes 10-15 minutes. The older girls (9 and almost 8), really love to drink “tea”, so I wake one of the up before the other kids to drink tea with Mommy, and the other stays up a little later than the others, also to have tea with Mommy. It helps to have small time together each day. It keeps my heart turned toward them. (The difficult daughter, the one that I clash with the most is the one who gets tea in the morning…things are smoother if her attention need is met, and if I wait until later, some days I’m so aggravated with her that I don’t enjoy our tea time. First thing in the morning, the slate is clean…His mercies are new every morning!) I date each of the kids once or twice a year, but Daddy dates them each once a month. We have a standard “Daddy Date” night each Tuesday b/c time with my Daddy was so special to me growing up.
pluggedin.com is a great resource to check out a movie beforehand. Yes, most of the offerings at the movie theater are trash but there are good ones.
My daughter is six years old and quite the firecracker. She can cause quite alot of stress in our home with her strong personality but……………..ask her to help in the kitchen or organize a closet and I hit a homerun every time. She loves to chop veggies and fruit. She enjoys being in charge and I am trying to find ways to use that gift in a positive way. I just purchased “Polished Cornerstones” to do with her.
beautiful…I can’t wait to see my daughter’s face in the morning
I recently went on a date with my daughter http://missionalmamassoul.blogspot.com/2011/04/8-great-dates-for-moms-and-daughters.html
I like you am trying to be intentional about my relationship with her and my sons.
as part of a review for the book, 8 Great Dates for Moms and Daughters. My daughter loved loved loved it! I plan to do the other 7 dates and spread them out with a few month between. Since then whenever we are alone, we call it girl time.
Blessings…
I have two sets of twins, and they all have busy schedules. One thing we have done, since they were little (well, they still are, kind of) is I take them out of school for an afternoon, one at a time, and we have a special day. They choose where we eat and what we do until their siblings will be getting out of school. I am a big coffee drinker, so I will go on a Starbuck’s date with one and have Frappuccino’s. One of my girls loves to bake, so I will take her shopping with a list of ingredients she needs to bake something special. I have one who leaves early every Sunday to go to church with me (I am on staff) while the other three always sleep in and ride in with daddy. I love spending time with each of my children, learning about where they are at a particular time in their lives, and forging a deeper bond. My older twins, in particular. They are in middle school, two girls, and right now is such an important time for them to know I am with them, not against them. Having time to talk about what is on their hearts without interference – priceless.
Thank you for this post. It really spoke to my heart and how it has been feeling lately. As a stay at home mom people generally assume you have all the time in the world to finish all your daily tasks, spend time with your children generously and have time to do extras (baking, organizing etc..). It is exhausting and some days just don’t go as magically as you anticipate. I notice it in my children the same way as a reader above had stated-
” That said, boys need time too. Mine must have their time alone with Mom too, they just show it differently than my daughter. The guys tend to get angry and sullen, whereas my daughter becomes whiny and clingy.”
I couldn’t have said it better myself. When I notice this we generally fit in more one on one time together and make it a priority. I think as moms our plates are so full it is the Lords way of reminding us to nurture the most important part of the household, our children.
My oldest daughter is 5, and she just loves it when I hang out in her room with her. I try to take time every 2-3 days just to play dolls with her for a few minutes or snuggle in bed with her and enjoy the fleeting moments. I often find myself thinking, “Why is this so hard to do?” And at the same time, there’s really nothing else I would rather be doing at those times!
I’ve been doing a “day” with each of my 3 children for nearly a year now. After my husband died last May, it became increasingly difficult to focus on just one….they wanted all of me, all the time. Now, every week, they each look forward to that hour or so with Mom (as I do!) and they allow me to focus to get done the gardening, cleaning, home business, ect. that also needs my attention.
Thank you for your posts. They are insiring!
Wonderful, wonderful post!!!
What a beautiful post and reminder. My daughter is 17 now, but we have a loooong history of Mother/Daughter days! She has a job now, is starting college in the fall, and has her own to-do list these day, but we decided long ago that it’s worth the extra effort to spend some one on one time together regularly. Thanks for sharing the lovely post!
This is a great reminder! My little ones (4 & 3) are easier, because they are still at the age when they “enjoy” being around mommy
My teen (17 and going into his senior yr of HS) is a bit more challenging. He’s at that age when spending time with his parents isn’t considered “cool”. When we make the effort to include him in activities and spending time with us, I do notice the change in attitude and he’s more pleasant and easy-going. I realized that as he gets older, he might be wanting more time to himself, but he still needs mom & dad too 
Maybe I need to give this some consideration. I’m having such a tough time with my daughter and she’s only three!
Superior thinking deonmstatred above. Thanks!
{ 1 trackback }